Ending the Cycle of Abuse

Working with Trauma Free World has expanded my opportunities to walk with others as they find hope and healing for themselves and the people they care for. 

Below is a story from our recent training in Africa. I have been given permission from my friend to share her story.

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Hesitantly, she approached me from behind, tapping my shoulder while I packed up to leave. Our three-day conference was finished, and she had finally felt safe enough, felt brave enough, to share.

 

“I wanted to tell you my story. The training really impacted me.” She nervously fumbled some folded slips of paper. “Will you read it? I wrote it. I can’t say it.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You see… my son….”

 

I turned around and reached for the paper as tears formed in the corners of her eyes.

 

And tears formed in mine as I read.

 

Orphaned. 

Abandoned. 

Thought she found love. It was a lie. Pregnant at 16. 

She dropped out of high school and moved away from her familiar environment to the home of a distant relative. In her new home, she worked from early morning to late at night, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, hauling water. 

And every day she was verbally shamed, physically battered, and emotionally abused.  

Her system of value, built on a foundation of maltreatment, echoed across the chasms of her mind. She was unloved, unwanted, shameful, worthless, and it was her own fault.

This internal pain leaked out in anger towards the only one in her world more vulnerable than she, and her own child bore the brunt of her hurt. Daily, she unleashed years of neglect and abuse onto her son.

 

The cycle of abuse, staring me down, and daring us both to stop the madness. 

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. 

 

When she finally found her voice, she spoke at me, rapidly, pleadingly, “I didn't know... I didn't know what I was doing. I was just hurting so much. I was only thinking about myself. My son is 13 now. He is finishing exams at boarding school and then we’ll be together for the next two months. Is it too late? I’ve seriously hurt him. How will I recover what I never gave him when he was young? What should I do?”

 

I didn’t answer her questions.  I didn't really need to. She was beginning to talk it out. She was looking for validation that, though it would be hard, it would be worth it to make steps towards healing her relationship with her son. She was looking for hope.

There. Is. Always. Hope. 

 

Even in the darkest hole, the deepest night, the worst pain, the impossible, there is hope, because Jesus is right there. There's no guarantee it will be fixed, or made right, or be miraculously saved. But there is hope in not being alone. There is hope because Jesus is there in relatable and meaningful ways to sit with us in our pain and be present with us in darkness. There is hope because the Holy Spirit is the Comforter and there is nothing that we need more than comfort in such times. 

I took a deep breath and we prayed together for healing for both of them.

They have tough days ahead as they wrestle through their tangled histories. There’s a LOT to heal. It won't look perfect in the end but I do believe they'll both take a step forward and the next generation will look different. 

It was so honoring to be present to listen to her story. I believe in a God who intervenes at the right time and brings awareness of our brokenness and provides a path towards healing. He has done it for me, and I believe and pray He will do it for my friend and her son. 

Her humility, honesty, and courage in sharing her story were a reminder to me of the importance of relationships. While our deepest wounding happens in relationships, we also find profound healing in relationships. I have found this to be true in my own life and have witnessed it in the lives of others as well. 

Repairing broken relationships and rebuilding trust takes time. It takes patience. It takes consistent effort in building safe spaces and it takes persistent, intentional love. It requires grieving through loss and processing through pain, bit by bit. It takes forgiveness and acceptance. It is a long road - a very, long road. Yes, there are times when it ends up being more healing to part ways.  There are also times when a broken relationship is restored and the scars make it more beautiful in the end. 

Every labored forward step of the journey down the road towards healing is significant and worth it. 

No matter what, every labored forward step of the journey down the road towards healing is significant and worth it. 

A few shots from our training:

August 2021 Update

In a rare moment of multifaceted scheduling genius, we were all together for a few sweet days, as is evidenced by the pic above! We ate good food. We laughed. We ate more food. We cried. We talked about our lives and the many changes we've experienced over the last year. And we worked on becoming Michiganders as we explored some of the beauty in the area.

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Rick Update

Rick's counseling license was approved (Yay!) and he's diving into the world of counseling. In just a few short weeks, he's felt the weight of both privilege and responsibility in walking with others as they grapple with painful life situations. He loves it and feels honored being with people as they mourn loss, as they 'see' with new eyes of understanding, and as they bravely step into growth. 

AND...!!! Rick is running the Chicago Marathon for Oasis for Orphans!  Check out his inspiring reason to run and help him reach his fundraising goal by clicking on the link here. RICK RUNS FAR

No one better to train with than Julia!

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The fam updates in pictures below...

First Day of School

Welcoming the Incoming Nursing Students

Guess where these two landed a job?!

We love being a home away from home!

28 Years Looks Good on Us!

When Trader Joe's opens in your town,
you GO as a Joe
(shout out to JOanna Gaines and Joe Exotic)

Oasis for Orphans Blog Post - June 2021

Smith Family Update

from the Oasis for Orphans Blog

Oasis for Orphans is where it is today because of the families who felt a call to the orphaned and vulnerable in Kenya and answered it with their lives. While this season with Rick and Ann Smith (and family) is coming to an end, we are excited to see their story unfold. We know Oasis and this family have a bright future ahead.

Below are some updates from the family in their own words.

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Warm Greetings from the Smith Family – 

Way back in August of 2010, our family landed in Kenya, and we (the collective we, including all of you who walk alongside us) began a full-time adventure serving orphaned and vulnerable children together through Oasis for Orphans.  The journey has been more challenging than anticipated and also more meaningful than we could have imagined. Hasn’t it been remarkable to get to know these precious children and watch God grow them over time?!

Exactly ten years later, in August of 2020, God began birthing something new in our lives. 

Most of you know, Rick has been working on completing a Master’s in Counseling degree. In working through our own challenges in ministry, he has grown a heart and calling to serve others in similar situations. To become fully licensed as a counselor, Rick will need to complete 3000 hours of counseling under a supervisor over two to three years. He has an opportunity to work towards being fully licensed at Alongside Ministries in Michigan.  Alongside serves people in ministry through a three-week intensive counseling retreat.  It is the perfect fit for him, and he couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity to serve with the gifted staff there. 

If you know Ann, you know her passion for teaching Trauma Competent Care to the staff and families connected to Oasis. Over time, those opportunities have expanded to other organizations serving vulnerable populations and even other countries in Africa.  Through a God-sized opportunity, Ann will work with a partner organization of Oasis called Trauma Free World.  While she’ll remain connected to Oasis as a volunteer trainer, she will expand her opportunity to impact more children globally by joining Trauma Free World full time! 

One of the other reasons we felt it was time to return to the United States was to remain more closely connected to our family. After losing Ann’s mom in the fall, we feel the need to be closer to our aging parents and children.

Katie and Matt have settled in Indiana. Katie works for Notre Dame University, and Matt works for Purple.  They are thriving in their community, and we are so thankful for the opportunity to live closer to them. 

Rachel recently graduated with her degree in Elementary Education. She will be teaching fourth grade in Virginia in the public school system. Rachel is excited to build her trauma-sensitive classroom and serve the amazing children and families in her community. She will be living with a posse of friends and has a wonderful church and work community already!

Julia is entering her junior year and is studying nursing. She loves it! Julia has deep friendships and a sweet spirit. She spent the summer working at a camp and made many friends there. 

Caleb has adjusted to the school system in the US and was able to play on the varsity basketball team. While the transition has been challenging due to covid, we are thankful for the beginnings of new friendships at church and school.  He will be a senior next year and is looking forward to his cousin from Kenya joining him next year for school.

We want to take this opportunity to express our deep gratitude and appreciation for the many years you have prayed for us, visited us, encouraged us, listened to us, and financially blessed us.  We are humbled and blessed by your commitment to walk alongside us and are so thankful for each one of you.  

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On behalf of Oasis for Orphans, we thank those of you who have been on this journey from the beginning. Rick and Ann have helped create a solid foundation we are only beginning to build upon in Kenya. We plan to see Rick this fall as he attempts the Chicago Marathon with Team Oasis and will continue to see them both as our paths and their skill sets intersect with what Oasis is doing in Kenya.