Ending the Cycle of Abuse

Working with Trauma Free World has expanded my opportunities to walk with others as they find hope and healing for themselves and the people they care for. 

Below is a story from our recent training in Africa. I have been given permission from my friend to share her story.

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Hesitantly, she approached me from behind, tapping my shoulder while I packed up to leave. Our three-day conference was finished, and she had finally felt safe enough, felt brave enough, to share.

 

“I wanted to tell you my story. The training really impacted me.” She nervously fumbled some folded slips of paper. “Will you read it? I wrote it. I can’t say it.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You see… my son….”

 

I turned around and reached for the paper as tears formed in the corners of her eyes.

 

And tears formed in mine as I read.

 

Orphaned. 

Abandoned. 

Thought she found love. It was a lie. Pregnant at 16. 

She dropped out of high school and moved away from her familiar environment to the home of a distant relative. In her new home, she worked from early morning to late at night, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, hauling water. 

And every day she was verbally shamed, physically battered, and emotionally abused.  

Her system of value, built on a foundation of maltreatment, echoed across the chasms of her mind. She was unloved, unwanted, shameful, worthless, and it was her own fault.

This internal pain leaked out in anger towards the only one in her world more vulnerable than she, and her own child bore the brunt of her hurt. Daily, she unleashed years of neglect and abuse onto her son.

 

The cycle of abuse, staring me down, and daring us both to stop the madness. 

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. 

 

When she finally found her voice, she spoke at me, rapidly, pleadingly, “I didn't know... I didn't know what I was doing. I was just hurting so much. I was only thinking about myself. My son is 13 now. He is finishing exams at boarding school and then we’ll be together for the next two months. Is it too late? I’ve seriously hurt him. How will I recover what I never gave him when he was young? What should I do?”

 

I didn’t answer her questions.  I didn't really need to. She was beginning to talk it out. She was looking for validation that, though it would be hard, it would be worth it to make steps towards healing her relationship with her son. She was looking for hope.

There. Is. Always. Hope. 

 

Even in the darkest hole, the deepest night, the worst pain, the impossible, there is hope, because Jesus is right there. There's no guarantee it will be fixed, or made right, or be miraculously saved. But there is hope in not being alone. There is hope because Jesus is there in relatable and meaningful ways to sit with us in our pain and be present with us in darkness. There is hope because the Holy Spirit is the Comforter and there is nothing that we need more than comfort in such times. 

I took a deep breath and we prayed together for healing for both of them.

They have tough days ahead as they wrestle through their tangled histories. There’s a LOT to heal. It won't look perfect in the end but I do believe they'll both take a step forward and the next generation will look different. 

It was so honoring to be present to listen to her story. I believe in a God who intervenes at the right time and brings awareness of our brokenness and provides a path towards healing. He has done it for me, and I believe and pray He will do it for my friend and her son. 

Her humility, honesty, and courage in sharing her story were a reminder to me of the importance of relationships. While our deepest wounding happens in relationships, we also find profound healing in relationships. I have found this to be true in my own life and have witnessed it in the lives of others as well. 

Repairing broken relationships and rebuilding trust takes time. It takes patience. It takes consistent effort in building safe spaces and it takes persistent, intentional love. It requires grieving through loss and processing through pain, bit by bit. It takes forgiveness and acceptance. It is a long road - a very, long road. Yes, there are times when it ends up being more healing to part ways.  There are also times when a broken relationship is restored and the scars make it more beautiful in the end. 

Every labored forward step of the journey down the road towards healing is significant and worth it. 

No matter what, every labored forward step of the journey down the road towards healing is significant and worth it. 

A few shots from our training:

August 2021 Update

In a rare moment of multifaceted scheduling genius, we were all together for a few sweet days, as is evidenced by the pic above! We ate good food. We laughed. We ate more food. We cried. We talked about our lives and the many changes we've experienced over the last year. And we worked on becoming Michiganders as we explored some of the beauty in the area.

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Rick Update

Rick's counseling license was approved (Yay!) and he's diving into the world of counseling. In just a few short weeks, he's felt the weight of both privilege and responsibility in walking with others as they grapple with painful life situations. He loves it and feels honored being with people as they mourn loss, as they 'see' with new eyes of understanding, and as they bravely step into growth. 

AND...!!! Rick is running the Chicago Marathon for Oasis for Orphans!  Check out his inspiring reason to run and help him reach his fundraising goal by clicking on the link here. RICK RUNS FAR

No one better to train with than Julia!

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The fam updates in pictures below...

First Day of School

Welcoming the Incoming Nursing Students

Guess where these two landed a job?!

We love being a home away from home!

28 Years Looks Good on Us!

When Trader Joe's opens in your town,
you GO as a Joe
(shout out to JOanna Gaines and Joe Exotic)

Oasis for Orphans Blog Post - June 2021

Smith Family Update

from the Oasis for Orphans Blog

Oasis for Orphans is where it is today because of the families who felt a call to the orphaned and vulnerable in Kenya and answered it with their lives. While this season with Rick and Ann Smith (and family) is coming to an end, we are excited to see their story unfold. We know Oasis and this family have a bright future ahead.

Below are some updates from the family in their own words.

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Warm Greetings from the Smith Family – 

Way back in August of 2010, our family landed in Kenya, and we (the collective we, including all of you who walk alongside us) began a full-time adventure serving orphaned and vulnerable children together through Oasis for Orphans.  The journey has been more challenging than anticipated and also more meaningful than we could have imagined. Hasn’t it been remarkable to get to know these precious children and watch God grow them over time?!

Exactly ten years later, in August of 2020, God began birthing something new in our lives. 

Most of you know, Rick has been working on completing a Master’s in Counseling degree. In working through our own challenges in ministry, he has grown a heart and calling to serve others in similar situations. To become fully licensed as a counselor, Rick will need to complete 3000 hours of counseling under a supervisor over two to three years. He has an opportunity to work towards being fully licensed at Alongside Ministries in Michigan.  Alongside serves people in ministry through a three-week intensive counseling retreat.  It is the perfect fit for him, and he couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity to serve with the gifted staff there. 

If you know Ann, you know her passion for teaching Trauma Competent Care to the staff and families connected to Oasis. Over time, those opportunities have expanded to other organizations serving vulnerable populations and even other countries in Africa.  Through a God-sized opportunity, Ann will work with a partner organization of Oasis called Trauma Free World.  While she’ll remain connected to Oasis as a volunteer trainer, she will expand her opportunity to impact more children globally by joining Trauma Free World full time! 

One of the other reasons we felt it was time to return to the United States was to remain more closely connected to our family. After losing Ann’s mom in the fall, we feel the need to be closer to our aging parents and children.

Katie and Matt have settled in Indiana. Katie works for Notre Dame University, and Matt works for Purple.  They are thriving in their community, and we are so thankful for the opportunity to live closer to them. 

Rachel recently graduated with her degree in Elementary Education. She will be teaching fourth grade in Virginia in the public school system. Rachel is excited to build her trauma-sensitive classroom and serve the amazing children and families in her community. She will be living with a posse of friends and has a wonderful church and work community already!

Julia is entering her junior year and is studying nursing. She loves it! Julia has deep friendships and a sweet spirit. She spent the summer working at a camp and made many friends there. 

Caleb has adjusted to the school system in the US and was able to play on the varsity basketball team. While the transition has been challenging due to covid, we are thankful for the beginnings of new friendships at church and school.  He will be a senior next year and is looking forward to his cousin from Kenya joining him next year for school.

We want to take this opportunity to express our deep gratitude and appreciation for the many years you have prayed for us, visited us, encouraged us, listened to us, and financially blessed us.  We are humbled and blessed by your commitment to walk alongside us and are so thankful for each one of you.  

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On behalf of Oasis for Orphans, we thank those of you who have been on this journey from the beginning. Rick and Ann have helped create a solid foundation we are only beginning to build upon in Kenya. We plan to see Rick this fall as he attempts the Chicago Marathon with Team Oasis and will continue to see them both as our paths and their skill sets intersect with what Oasis is doing in Kenya.

Systemic Racism

We've debated saying anything... but this makes us complicit with the problem.

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We’ve spent a lot of time over the past weeks in shock over the unnecessary loss of lives of our brothers and sisters with black or brown skin. As we become increasingly aware of our own racism, and I’m defining that as being a beneficiary of a system that has perpetuated advantage to people with whiter skin and disadvantage to people with darker skin, we feel duped, we grieve, we rage, we apologize, we lament, we care.

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Living in Kenya for the last 10 years, a collectivist culture, as opposed to our formative experience in white America’s individualist culture, has opened our eyes to parts of this issue that have increased our understanding and subsequently, our empathy. We’ve been surprised (actually ignorant) in realizing black America is primarily collectivist in thought. That changes everything. In a collectivist mindset, if you’ve wronged one, you’ve done it to all.

Take the George Floyd situation.

• An individualist mindset thinks of George Floyd and the police officer who murdered him as, one guy committing a crime who died at the hand of another guy with race and anger issues. Both were wrong. I’m neither. So I’m okay.
• A collectivist mindset thinks about how our community, our livelihoods, our futures, our very existence is at risk. We will stand and rally together.

To think more collectivist, it helps me to think of George as if he were my child or brother. Even though I would disagree with his behavior (being high and using counterfeit money), I would be enraged if a police officer killed my son because of it. The same for Breonna, Trayvon, Rayshard, etc.

If these precious people were my children, 

I would fight passionately for justice on their behalf.
Every. Time. 

 

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So, we, as a family are asking ourselves...Can we not come alongside our friends of color in a collective way and apologize for the gross injustices that have been meted out on them for centuries at the hands of white Americans? Can we not build bridges towards them in their pain and trauma and hear their stories and listen to their hearts? Will we not fight together with them for justice?

In my job, when I deal with a child who has been traumatized, who rages against everything, destroying property, screaming words of hate, lashing out against all adults because they all represent a threat, our response is compassion and understanding and patient love. We apologize for the wrong done to them even though we didn’t do it. We promise to keep them safe. We work for justice in the courts.

And trust grows over time. 

I have been categorically impressed by the way our black brothers and sisters have handled this systemic issue of racism with dignity and grace and respect. But there is a lot of pain there, and they are a critical members of America and of the body of believers who need others to come alongside them, mourn with them, listen to them, and pay attention to them to heal.

All of us who are white have been ignorant and complicit in benefiting from our skin color for generations (think collectivist). I/We also have not stood up for injustice like we should because I/we were unaware of it and/or ignored it. And that makes me - ME, from an individualist perspective - and US, from a collectivist perspective, racist. Not radical, KKK racist, but subtle, separatist racist. 

It’s time for me to change. It’s time for us to change. 

The bottom line in all of this is, the racial tension in the world is a white problem. Our skin is white, so we’re part of the problem.  We’re listening and we will work for change.

The world is already different than it was two weeks ago and that means we're heading in a growing direction.

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Check out these resources we've been reading together as a family that have created good conversation in our household, they are only a few of MANY.

Articles & Short Vids:
Phil Vischer "Racial Injustice has Benefited Me - A Confession" 

Phil Vischer "Why Are People Talking About Race?"

The Oatmeal "You're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you."
Dr. Anita Phillips - Body Language
Robin Diangelo - "Why it's so hard to talk to White People About Racism."

Books:
I'm Still Here, Black Dignity in a World Made for Whites by Austin Channing Brown

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

Solitary by Albert Woodfox

Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northup

White Fragility by Robin Diangelo

Movies:
13TH
Just Mercy
Harriet

Join/Follow:
- Be the Bridge on Facebook. Just listen and learn.
- Shaun King on Instagram. When you get tired of the feed, imagine how tired people must be from experiencing it.

Run with Team RANN!

These are strange times. Our kids keep saying, “I can’t believe we’re living in the time of a global pandemic."

Neither can we.  We’ve pondered the significance of so many things during this time.  We’re holding on to our families a little tighter, (except for when we’re arguing with them.) Life somehow feels more precious doesn’t it?

Friends, we think about you daily and we pray for you. We want you to know we are grateful for you. We know things are challenging on many fronts, and we’re thankful for your faithful prayers and continued support. It means the world to us to be able to work at Oasis and help the children and communities around us during these difficult times.

We need your help!!!

Over the years, Oasis has taken major steps forward through small gifts.  Water, shoes, books, and other initiatives have been provided by casting a wide net and asking for a little help.

The Global 5k for Orphans is approaching.  It’s an annual event Oasis is hosting to cast a wide net in addressing the worldwide orphan crisis.  Oasis is fighting the issue directly in Kenya, but, the problem is everywhere.

The Global 5K for Orphans is a ‘race’ in the sense that there’s a sign up, a t-shirt, and a date we ‘run’ together. But there’s no need to run if that is not your style. You can virtually run it. You can walk it. You can sleep it.

What’s important is your engagement!

Join Team RANN in the Global 5K for Orphans!

This year, Oasis is forming Global 5K teams, and we want our team to win.

We have created Team RANN - Team Rick & Ann. We are placing our confidence in you not only joining us, but in getting 10 other family & friend groups to join us.

The young, hipster Global 5K teams think their teams will win through social media connections. We think we’ll win through personal connections. Help us make that happen!

How to Join & Impact a Child

1. Join Team RANN  (this is the link)
• Once on the Team RANN web page, click on ‘Join Team’ under our picture.
• A $35 donation gets you a RESILIANT t-shirt & impacts the life of an orphaned child!
• Or simply DONATE TO Team RANN and help an orphaned child. (T-shirt not included)
2. Invite 10 other families!  If you'd like an editable, pre-written letter to send out to your people, let us know.

Sending Orphaned Children Home

Did you know, during 2019, we intentionally sent 29 children from The Well back home?! 

Many of them transitioned to their guardians naturally, as they progressed to the Oasis High School or College Scholarship Program. 

Others, have stories...

M & T have lived at The Well (formerly House of Hope) for 10 and 11 years respectively. Both were abandoned, too young to verbalize their story, and no one was found in the extensive searches for a parent.

Over the years, these two, along with all  The Well children, have attended the local church.  The church community has consistently welcomed The Well children and knows each child personally.

Early last year, when Oasis was getting to know the guardians, two families from the church showed up. They had heard Oasis was committed to keeping orphaned children with their guardians, if at all possible, and they wanted in! One family asked if M could join their family and the other asked if T could join theirs.

Through a series of home visits, meetings with the children's officer, and counseling for the families and children, we transitioned these children into loving, forever families.  Oasis continues to support the children by providing for their educational needs as well as with regular visits from the social worker. And the families take care of the daily needs of the children.  In these situations, it's been a WIN WIN!

Mama P has two boys who have been living at the children's home for the last 7 years. When I visited her home last January to meet her for the first time, I found she had two additional children at home. She was jobless and the younger two had not yet had the opportunity to attend school.  We began our journey together.

Right away, we talked to her about bringing the boys home. She was not keen on this idea because feeding two was already overwhelming.

But, we took baby steps. The younger two joined the boys in school at The Well. This freed mom up to start developing a jewelry-making skill. We also hired her at The Well once per week.  She, among other single moms, are paid to work at The Well one day a week. This gives them time to participate in weekly counseling and helps relieve our huge laundry pile!

In November, we worked together with Mama P to move her closer to The Well, and the boys transitioned home. It's not been easy. Their house is crowded. The boys have to step outside when the girls change clothes and vice versa. Sometimes, if mom can't find a job for the day, the evening meal is small.

BUT, Mama P is doing it and we're so proud of her! She and her children are together, as a family should be - caring for each other and also stepping on each other's toes.

The pictures here are some of families we're partnering with in the Oasis guardian program. Each have experienced profound loss and trauma, but they have survived, they are standing, and they have hope. We're working on healing and growing together. 

We are committed to walking the challenging road of keeping kids at home wherever possible and working to grow entire families.  At the same time, we're committed to providing a safe home for children who can't be with their guardians right now. 

The Long Haul

It's hard to believe we've begun our 10th year in Kenya!

We have much to be thankful for and we'd like to start by thanking you for supporting us for so many years.  When we first moved to Kenya, we asked for you to join us by praying for us, following us, and giving financially towards what God is doing. As we reflect back, we are grateful to be caring for orphaned children together with you.  Thank you for your faithfulness! You are a blessing to us EVERY DAY!  

We’ve sat with the Oasis high school, college, and vocational students all week. It’s been SO FUN to celebrate them, laugh with them, learn with them, and cry with them.

I’m struck with the time we’ve spent with these children. For many of them, it’s been 12+ years that we’ve been intimately involved in their lives.  Some are just beginning their high school experience. For many we can see the end of their time with Oasis.

It’s been a privilege to see firsthand the growth in their lives over time. Just like all children, some have been smooth sailing and have excelled at each level. Two of our recent university graduates, returned this week to encourage the others to finish strong. They've been some of the easy ones.

For others, it’s been more challenging… like the time one of them stole a sheep, sold it, and used the money to get drunk… he then hit rock bottom, met Jesus, and had a total life change. He’s about to graduate. We couldn’t be prouder of each of them.  Every journey has been different but each one of them is growing and learning according to God’s timeline.

Thank you to so many of you for your faithfulness to these children over so many years.  You have prayed for them, encouraged them, and financially supported them for a decade!  It's made a difference, and though it’s been a long haul, it's been worth it!  

The Oasis High School Students

The Oasis College & Vocational Training Students